Celine hasn't gotten back to me yet, so I'm going to choose a selection of emails and break them down using knowledge I have gained from the past 12 months using POF.
Meet Mr Hopeful
Ballsy, but no cigar. No girl worth getting to know is going to reply to Mr Hopeful saying "sure, I like directness... here's my address, pick me up at 7:30". Although it seems bold on the surface, Mr Hopeful is actually just desperate and clearly has no concept of how the fairer sex think.
Starts off with a compliment about Celine's looks - FAIL (see Mr Muscles below for further enlightenment)
Asks for a date in the first email without even giving it a bit of time to get to know Celine and vice versa - FAIL
Apologises for being forward (projects weakness) and then dashes his chances even further with a backhanded compliment - FAIL
Appears to have the mindset that a little confidence and boldness will win Celine over, even though he's clearly trying to blow sunshine between her perfectly formed buttocks in a vain attempt to get laid. Needy, desperate, weak. Mr Hopeful FAILS. Next.
Meet Mr Whackjob
I don't quite know where to start with this one... This guy doesn't think straight ( "(:" WTF is that? Backwards smiley?) and his text is vaguely manipulative as well. I think his own message pretty much says it all. FAIL! 'nuff said. Lesson learned? Don't EVER write to a girl on POF when you're high on acid. Mr Whackjob FAILS.
Meet Mr Muscles
What's wrong with this picture?
Mr Muscles bought Celine a virtual bunch of lillies (lillies again?) FAIL
Mr Muscles begins by blowing sunshine where the sun don't shine by focusing on her beauty FAIL - I'll say it slowly guys, Beautiful women are FOREVER being told they are beautiful. They hear it sometimes dozens of times per day and they get sick of it. In most cases they are much more than their looks. Want the Bitch Shield to come up? Call her beautiful. Go on, I dare you.
Mr Muscles commits one of the greatest crimes any man can commit on an online dating site - the dreaded shirtless pic. FAIL. Muscles, Celine WILL laugh at that and then she'll email it around the office. Why? Just because she can. Seriously, the thought of some guy posing in front of the webcam with his shirt off is so ridiculous that it has the exact opposite effect than the one intended.
Interestingly though, Mr Muscles did something right. He actually talked a little bit about who he is, where he's from and what he does. WIN (sort of) , but overall Mr Muscles FAILS.
Meet Mr Brief
This one hurts me in my heart. Guys, you only get ONE chance to make a good impression. I haven't checked Mr Brief's profile, so maybe it's chock full of awesomeness, but somehow I doubt it. Just FAIL lol
Meet Mr Player
On the surface, Mr player appears to be doing a lot right. He's challenged Celine ("you sound like you could be a fun girl to hang out with, I could be TOTALLY wrong though") to prove he's different to all the other meatheads who are trying to get into her pants - WIN, he's empathised with her (emails from nasty old dudes) - WIN, he's acknowledged that they are both on POF to find a date, so take the chance - WIN, he's stood his ground about purposely making a fool of himself for Celine's amusement - something she mentioned in her profile as a test. He's indicated he's not a pushover - WIN. He's determined that travel is a big part of Celine's life, so he's asking questions about it and indicating that he has the same interests. WIN
So why do I say "on the surface"? Well, Mr Player is using canned material from David DeAngelo and from David M, probably downloaded illegally from bittorrent. He's cut and pasted, which undoes all of his previous good work - overall FAIL. Many women on POF have heard all of these lines before.
Lesson learned? Don't rely upon gurus for specific material to say to women online or in person. Be yourself, don't try and be manipulative and treat her like a human being, not like a mountain to be conquered. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory through being a wannabe player, Mr Player FAILS.
Note: If he's any sort of guru follower, we can expect a follow-up email from Mr Player sometime within the next few days.
Meet Mr Faux Pas
Mr Faux Pas was one of the fellows who favourited Celine within the first ten minutes of her profile being up. He's only just worked up the courage to say hello. He's described a bit about himself and what he likes doing, which is great. There's nothing in there about donkey punching teenaged male prostitutes so he's probably reasonably normal. Overall, he seems like a nice guy apart from the following niggling little issues which are sure to show up on the radar of any normal right-thinking woman...
1. He starts off by highlighting the fact that he's taken the time to visit Celine's profile and therefore she must show him the same courtesy. FAIL Why should Celine go anywhere near his profile? Methinks a relationship with Mr Faux Pas should be avoided at all costs - manipulator and potential emotional or physical abuser. Just a feeling I get - hopefully I'm wrong...
2. He's given out his email/MSN address in his initial contact email. FAIL Guys, don't do it. In fact MSN is very touchy subject due to the sheer number of guys who ask women for webcam strip-tease or masturbation sessions. Oh? You're not like that? How does she know? My advice is to let her give you HER MSN when she's ready to chat with you.
3. Mr Faux Pas has given Celine his mobile number right off the bat. FAIL Sure, SMS texts are an easy way to keep in touch and hearing someone's voice is a must before meeting them, but to send your phone number in the first email? Negative. Many women I have dated and spoken to about the whole phone number dance have indicated that they won't call someone who does what Mr Faux Pas has just done. They don't like it and who am I to argue?
Mr Faux Pas FAILS
Meet Mr Forgetful
Mr Forgetful was the second guy to email Celine. Here's his first contact email:
I'm doing really well, Mr Forgetful, thanks for asking.
Obviously the brevity and blandness of this, his first message to Celine, earns Mr Forgetful a FAIL and puts him straight into the invisible man category.
But then, almost 12 hours later, Celine receives this:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That's right, Mr Forgetful here has forgotten that he has already sent an email to Celine and sent another first contact email to her. Way to make a girl feel special there Mr Forgetful. You FAIL.
Guys, keep track of who you are messaging. If you go to your "Sent" messages link in POF you'll see a little link which says "Check out your entire contact history HERE". Use it. More little tips like that to follow as we delve deeper into the mysteries of Plenty Of Fish.
Meet Mr Suicide Pickup
Not that much to say really, apart from he forgot the question mark at the end.
Mr Suicide Pickup just oozes FAIL
My head is starting to hurt.
Meet Mr Tragic
Mr Tragic seems to be a genuine nice guy. I haven't looked at his profile, but he's most likely divorced or separated and jumping back into the dating game feet first. For any of you ladies out there who've come over to take a look from Katslash, he's probably one of the more genuine guys that you'll find online, you'd just have to train him to be happy with who he is.
Unfortunately, being nice is not enough in the big pond with plenty of fish. Mr Tragic calls Celine "hon" - FAIL Nothing is more condescending for a woman than being called "hon", "sweetie", "gorgeous", "beautiful", etc. by a guy they do not even know. He probably does think Celine's a honey, but he doesn't know her which means he's probably already planning the wedding.
Mr Tragic disses her choice of football team with a little bit of playful banter, which is OK, but then goes on to put himself down, describing himself as a [his football team] "tragic" - FAIL He's not only projected weakness in a desperate attempt to not appear arrogant, but he's also unintentionally given Celine a backhanded insult - does that mean that Celine is a [her football team] tragic?
Mr Tragic then states he'd love to get to know Celine better, which is good, but then asks "If that's OK?". FAIL Celine is probably now thinking "this guy's got low self esteem... next!"
Has learning occurred yet?
